Counseling - A Three Phase Method

It is a straightforward three-step process for counseling. This method is used when someone comes to you with a concern or wanting to talk about something. This is for normal neurotics like you and me" and not to deal with people with serious psychiatric issues.

It avoids giving advice (a mistake in any kind of counseling). If you stick to this method, you'll be safe and probably do much good.

Stage One: Listening

Listening means knowing the meaning of the text and the feelings that go with it.

Cerebral comprehension isn't enough.

Do not make statements that defines the issue or the other person's feelings. Ask instead. Don't say, "You're feeling . . . " but instead, "Are you feeling . . ? ". "Not, "The issue is . . ." But instead, "You think the problem is . . ." or "The way you see it is . . . ". At this stage it may be enough to just say "uh-huh" or nod your head.

The stage is over when the person begins talking about the causes of the problem. You'll know you've achieved success when you receive the agreement of the root of the problem and what the person feels about it.

Stage Two The second stage is Exploratory listening

When the person speaking to you is comfortable, they will move on to deeper things. This is the time to begin asking questions. Inquiring if they've felt this way before; What they have tried to do in similar situations, whether it worked or not If there are any additional thoughts or emotions that are going on for them. You can, if you see something clearly make observations of what you see. Examples include, "You seem happy/sad/angry . . ." and so on. Even here it is probably better to ask questions than to make a statement.

The most important thing at this stage is to remain connected to their feelings in the way they are feeling them.

If you're unable to handle this, inform them; don't fake it. It could be something like, "Sorry, I can't handle this right now." They'll appreciate it more than playing (and they'll be able to tell whether you're just playing).

This phase is finished when the issue is viewed differently and a different Amanda Smith Writer perspective is achieved.

Stage Three: Doing Different Things

Once they see things differently they can start to do things in a different way, or at least plan to.

The temptation when anyone comes to you with a concern is to rush to this stage immediately. This is a mistake. The only thing that is required is the opportunity to look into what's happening and to look at it in a different way.

At this point, you may offer suggestions on what has worked for you.

Don't get trapped into playing "Yes, but . . . ".

If they provide reasons as to the reason why your suggestions don't work Do not be a defender. Instead, ask what they have tried, why it didn't work, and what they could do differently next time.

You may want to organize that they check with you regularly so you can keep track of how they are doing with their new approach to working.

The stage is finished when they attempt to demonstrate the new behavior with you, or when they have plans for the new behavior they would like to test with other people.

The process is largely about listening.

The other person always knows more about their situation than you do.

Never offer advice about what people should do. In the final stage, you may wish to say what has worked for you when you've had to deal the same issue.

With a bit of practice, you can get quite good fast at this skill. You might end up being the person people turn to for advice'. As long as you do follow this method and do not offer any advice, you will do lots of good and aid many people.

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